I am currently a 3rd year undergraduate majoring in Chemistry at National University of Singapore (NUS). Being exposed to Science at such a delicate young age has encouraged my curiosity and a desire to explore in this field. I could remember vividly how fascinated I was when the glowing splint extinguished with a ‘pop’ sound.
Apart from excelling in my studies, I am also actively involved in school activities. I volunteered my service as an orientation group leader in freshmen orientation camps like Science Camp (SCAMP) and Science Orientation Week (SOW). To me, having this opportunity to guide the freshmen was rare and fulfilling. It helped to widen my social circle, kept me updated with the “world of the younger generation”, and to enrich my university life. Apart from having the fun, I also had a sense of satisfaction at the end of each camp. This was especially so when the group I led was awarded the best orientation group (OG).
I enjoy dancing and playing sports. This explains my passion for cheerleading as a co-curriculum activity during my secondary school and junior college (JC) days. Cheerleading is a sport that requires high level of team-work. No matter how small or big a role one plays, he or she is an indispensible part of the team. Working together as a team, this sport requires a great deal of alertness, strength, skills and communication. Communication here refers to body language or even a look of trust and confidence. In most cases, this was achieved from the understanding we have with each other over time. Training was tough and we had to spur one another to move on. Throughout this process, it made us stronger, both physically and mentally.
However, I had to give up the sports I love and the food I crave for when I was diagnosed with uveitis (inflammation in the eye) and arthritis about 3 years ago. They were due to a specific gene, meaning there isn’t any cure at the moment. The only thing the doctor could do is to suppress the condition and reduce the pain. I had to make huge adjustments to my lifestyle but I am still very positive about the future. I am thankful to have a supportive family and loving friends and I cherish the time I have with them. :)
I believe I will soar to greater heights if I continue to display optimism and enthusiasm. Every day is a learning experience; face all challenges with courage and learn from our failures. We only live once, so live life to the fullest.
Hello Shiny~
ReplyDeleteI know you are a bouncy person, but I did not know you are that bouncy! Not a lot of schools have cheerleader as a CCA. From your experiences, I can see that you led a dynamic school life and developed a very positive attitude.
Especially when you were diagnosed with uveitis and arthritis, you continued to be a positive person. I do not have arthritis but I sprained my knee recently, I know the pain could be excruciating.
I still remembered the advices you told me, and I am slowly learning. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Just a side note, paragraph 2 "..Apart from having the fun.." I think "having fun" would be better.
Paragraph 4 "..specific gene, meaning there isn’t..", I think perhaps you can change it to just "..specific gene, and there isn’t.."
Overall, I think your entry allows me to know you better as a vibrant person.
=D
Love,
Huahua
Dear Shiny,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I can see that you are an inspired person with lots of experience. But this personal statement can be improved. It seems to lack focus and cohesion. There are also areas where you allude to something (your success in study) but you haven't explained.
Here are some areas that need attention:
1) Being exposed to Science at such a delicate young age > Being exposed to science at a delicate young age (explain how and where)
2) I could remember vividly > I can remember vividly
3) ...when the glowing splint extinguished with a ‘pop’ sound. >
which glowing splint? I don't see the context for this.
4) Apart from excelling in my studies... > But you have not explained how you excelled!
5) I volunteered my service as an orientation group leader in freshmen orientation camps like Science Camp (SCAMP) and Science Orientation Week (SOW). > Great! But what did you do?
6) However, I had to give up the sports I love and the food I crave for when I was diagnosed with uveitis (inflammation in the eye) and arthritis about 3 years ago. They were due to a specific gene, meaning there isn’t any cure at the moment. The only thing the doctor could do is to suppress the condition and reduce the pain. I had to make huge adjustments to my lifestyle but I am still very positive about the future. I am thankful to have a supportive family and loving friends and I cherish the time I have with them. :) >>>> This paragraph doesn't seem to fit. It's going off on a tangent, meaning, it doesn't quite support your main focus. (What is your main focus?)
7) Are these the traits you are trying to highlight? In that case, you need to maintain that thread throughout the essay.
Let's work on this, Shiny!
Shiny,
ReplyDeleteIn the light of the above comments, i would advise you to focus your personal statement on what I think influenced you the most - Cheerleading.
Try to recall an incident that happened. Then describe what you did that added value to the club and talk about some of the lessons learnt. Lastly, try to highlight the qualities that you demonstrated in the incident and mention that these qualities can be transferred to the job that you are applying for.
Ji Wei
Hi Shinye!
ReplyDeleteWow you used to be a cheerleader! No wonder you seem to be smiling all the time! =).
The part in your personal statement which you revealed your eye condition shows your courage and bravery to face the problem, which is very commendable of you!
Perhaps you can give us more details on SOW and cheerleading by describing some of the experiences you had as that would give us better understanding in the qualities you've learnt through these activities.
Thank you for sharing!
Hazel